Monday, February 20, 2012

Another one of those days....

My son does not stay with me, typically because I travel a lot and it may not be very ideal to leave him in the house alone or in the care of a house help. I actually discussed with my parents and it seemed more logical for him to stay with them.

I find time when I am around to visit him while working, every once a month. So last week I took the opportunity of seeing him. It had been a while since the 1st of January, therefore approximately 29 days since I had last seen him. Being the apple of my eye does not make things easier for me since sometimes when I get a chance to see him, I sort of re-evaluate why am working and it makes me feel like quiting my job and being a fulltime mother, just to take care of him and cook for him, tuck him, read or tell him a story and kiss him every day before he . Sometimes it is really agonizing knowing that the only way you can provide for your child is the one source of income that you have.

It got me really thinking, I want to go back to school and do my something rare, something that is sort after so that I can only work as a lecturer and/ or a consultant and have more time for my little boy, who by the way will not be little any more come two years from now.

It puts me in an awkward situation sometimes when he has to ask me to stay on with him. I have to explain to him always that I cant otherwise he might not have the holidays that he may want with me....but I know what every one of you will say, that he is right, he is right yes, but would it be fair to deny him the lifestyle that he has already? Would it be also just to be an idle mother and not get some work experience and exposure? Would it be worth it just to wake up one day and quit my only source of revenue and seek other avenue which by the way may just take a little effort to grow? Would it be?

Sometimes I just wonder....but wonder is all that it can be...

Let me know your thoughts :)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Some questions I may not answer…as yet??

Schools close and I am excited just like any other parent to have my son at home, knowing the kind of schedule I have normally, this is a time I take off and make sure there is no travelling and that I will be spending time with him no matter what even if it means taking him to some of my field trips…for him it would be a trip so see Kenya and around Kenya.

This particular holiday was not an easy one, August school holidays, I didn’t have any special arrangements for him to go out but had ensured a visit by my niece who together with my son, are quite a pair to handle. Keeping in mind both of them are the only children, they can only consider each other as a brother and a sister, something that they have always said, my son being the elder and my niece the younger one. At some point when am out with them, I always introduce them as my children :-) Well back to today’s agenda….the questions that popped up last Holidays were those I had been fearing in quite a long time, I knew that time would come and I would have to answer some questions however difficult they may be.

Well, it was one of those days when you have a great day and that you ensure you have made all the necessary arrangements to ensure that the two are comfortable. Come evening, as I come from work….I find my son has not taken his usual birth and is insisting that I have to bath him…”for heaven’s sake your ten!”.. I quip. This did not deter him from insitisting that I am his mother and that as his mother once in a while he needs me to bath him…Okay, I of course throw in the towel not knowing the agenda….in the process this are some of the questions I have to encounter?

“Why don’t I have a brother or a sister?” “ Can’t you get another sister or brother so that I can have someone to play with? You know I get bored”….Okay Okay….I have to think quickly… “think think think…..” And voila…. “ You will get a brother or a sister when God’s time is right for you to get one…if He plans that you stay as an only child then so be it, ” What did I just say? In my head I am thinking hard if he bought that story or if will be pop up at some point!! Its scary..really it is.

I have actually thought of adopting a child so that he can have a playmate…honestly I have, but again, would it be fair to adopt a child who I may not be there for? And again what am I looking for when I adopt a child? Will my son take that child as their own brother? Then the “what ifs” on my side…start building….Am I just one scared mother trying to seek an exit strategy in the business of giving birth to my own children? Like really? Would it be worth it to lessen, even if by one, the number of homeless children who will be more than glad to have a parent to take care of them…..And in reality, that story I told him about God's timing, he didnt buy it, since that question still keeps popping up :-(

Unanswered questions…..many unanswered questions…just to mention but a few…there are worse I have had to deal with...and I can only spare them for another day..gotta rush, and tuck him to sleep...a routine we have since formed when he is around or when I go and visit him :-)